Scriptures: the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. – Ambrose Bierce
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. – Ambrose Bierce
Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as a virtue. – Ambrose Bierce
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. – Ambrose Bierce
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. – Ambrose Bierce
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. – Ambrose Bierce
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity. – Ambrose Bierce
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. – Ambrose Bierce
Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills. – Ambrose Bierce
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. – Ambrose Bierce
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. – Ambrose Bierce
Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. – Ambrose Bierce
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. – Ambrose Bierce
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. – Ambrose Bierce
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. – Ambrose Bierce
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. – Ambrose Bierce
Mammals: a family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. – Ambrose Bierce
Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. – Ambrose Bierce
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. – Ambrose Bierce
