I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. – Demetri Martin
The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. – Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. – Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: its fun and romantic when youre choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat its not as enjoyable thats survival. – Demetri Martin