The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. – Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: its fun and romantic when youre choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat its not as enjoyable thats survival. – Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it. – Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says go outside. – Demetri Martin
The thing with food is that you can give 20 people the same recipe and the same ingredients, and somebodys going to make it better than somebody else, and thats the creativity of it. Its like music. You could have a bunch of people playing the same piece, and somebodys gonna play it better. – Dweezil Zappa