Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. – Dave Barry
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo. – Dave Barry
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. – Dave Barry
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, Including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark. – Dave Barry
Havin fun while freedom fightin must be one of those lunatic Texas traits we get from the water – which is known to have lithium in it – because it goes all the way back to Sam Houston, surely the most lovable, the most human, and the funniest of all the great men this country has ever produced. – Molly Ivins