Quotes by

Sloane Crosley

Brits and Americans have hundreds of different phrases for the same thing. Luckily, its usually a source of amusement rather than frustration. A flashlight by any other name is still a torch. My personal favourite is fairy lights, which we boringly refer to as Christmas lights. – Sloane Crosley

In New York, if you weigh under 200 pounds and decline so much as a cookie at a co-workers party, women will flock to your side, assuring you of your appealing physique. This is how skittish we are about the dangers of anorexia and the pressures of body image. – Sloane Crosley

The reason that war is such a fascinating subject for writers is because its a revealer. Put a bunch of people in an adrenaline-fuelled, life-or-death situation and their fundamental behaviours are exposed, the scrim is taken away and the motivations behind each personality come out to play. – Sloane Crosley

The truth is, I wrote a novel when I was 23. Its hideously bad. Truly rotten. – Sloane Crosley

My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers – this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawfords wire hangers look like pool noodles. – Sloane Crosley

Ah, the power of two. Theres nothing quite like it. Especially when it comes to paying utility bills, parenting, cooking elaborate meals, purchasing a grown-up bed, jumping rope and lifting heavy machinery. The world favours pairs. Who wants to waste the wood building an ark for singletons? – Sloane Crosley

I like to try to do a little work before I do anything in the morning, even if its a paragraph. – Sloane Crosley

Theres already a marriage clock, a career clock, a biological clock. Sometimes being a woman feels like standing in the lobby of a hotel, looking at the dials depicting every time zone in the world behind the front desk – except they all apply to you, and all at once. – Sloane Crosley

I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiots body. – Sloane Crosley

I hope to one day co-sign a lease with another person but, well, it doesnt plague me that I have yet to do so. Put it this way: Ive never had to violently tug at my own pillow at 2 A.M. to get myself to stop snoring. – Sloane Crosley

The hardest thing is spending twelve hours a day accommodating the rest of the world, then going home at night and criticizing it. I would be curious about what Id write if I didnt have to worry about offending. – Sloane Crosley

Our cultures obsession with vintage objects has rendered us unable to separate history from nostalgia. People want heart. They want a chaser of emotion with their aesthetics. – Sloane Crosley

Some of the writers I admire who seem very, very funny and very emotional to me can develop a closeness with the reader without giving too much of themselves away. Lorrie Moore comes to mind, as does David Sedaris. When they write, the reader thinks that theyre being trusted as a friend. – Sloane Crosley

I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend youre not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture. – Sloane Crosley

Its funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. Theyre usually quite nice comparisons I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate. – Sloane Crosley

The year most of my high school friends and I got our drivers permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl ones car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power. – Sloane Crosley

Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctors appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops. – Sloane Crosley

Im a summer baby, so I usually have my birthday as a good summer memory. – Sloane Crosley

You cant possibly fathom the ins and outs of a prepubescent beauty treatment until youve felt the strange but exhilarating tingle of a cottage-cheese-and-Pop-Rocks facial. – Sloane Crosley

Air travel is the safest form of travel aside from walking even then, the chances of being hit by a public bus at 30,000 feet are remarkably slim. I also have no problem with confined spaces. Or heights. What I am afraid of is speed. – Sloane Crosley