I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. – Mitch Hedberg
Yknow, you cant please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show. – Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, Ill never be as good as a wall. – Mitch Hedberg
Im a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someones life. – Mitch Hedberg
I think were getting to the point where everyones getting fat and everyones getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people cant walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps. – Adam Carolla