I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. – Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head aint funny! – Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, Ill never be as good as a wall. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which theyre very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then theyre kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy. – Demetri Martin