I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. – Demetri Martin
I like women, but you cant always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dogs name and then I asked, Does he bite? and she said, No. And I said, So how does he eat? Liar! – Demetri Martin
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes youre really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, youre saying: Hope I dont get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers. – Demetri Martin
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning Im looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then Im on the right track. – Demetri Martin