Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. Theres nothing more satisfying. – Elayne Boosler
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. Its not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. Its the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is Delete. – Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. – Elayne Boosler
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed — they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? — the cuckoo clock. – Graham Greene and Orson Wells, The Third Man