Im a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someones life. – Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. – Mitch Hedberg

Im a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someones life. – Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. – Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, Youre gonna have to move, youre blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasnt gonna run. If youre flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. – Mitch Hedberg
Id like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. – Mitch Hedberg
And Barack and I were raised with so many of the same values, like you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond that you do what you say youre going to do. That you treat people with dignity and respect, even if you dont know them and even if you dont agree with them. – Michelle Obama