Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. – Ambrose Bierce
Egotist. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. – Ambrose Bierce
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. – Ambrose Bierce
Mammals: a family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. – Ambrose Bierce