Hes the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. – Mae West
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
Theres only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is Ill get married again. – Clint Eastwood
Politics doesnt make strange bedfellows – marriage does. – Groucho Marx
I think women are natural caretakers. They take care of everybody. They take care of their husbands and their kids and their dogs, and dont spend a lot of time just getting back and taking time out. – Reese Witherspoon
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she werent. – Sacha Guitry
If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, youd have a hell of a lot of overlapping. – Mignon McLaughlin
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think shes a householder. – Thornton Wilder
All marriages are happy. Its the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. – Raymond Hull
It destroys ones nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. – Benjamin Disraeli
Marriage is natures way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. – Alan King
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner
Daddy was real gentle with kids. Thats why I expected so much out of marriage, figuring that all men should be steady and pleasant. – Loretta Lynn
It isnt tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying its separating himself from all the others. – Helen Rowland
Shes been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. – Henny Youngman
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didnt even have when you were on your own. – Eddie Cantor
Ive had an exciting time I married for love and got a little money along with it. – Rose Kennedy
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, youll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. – Neil Simon
I dont think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance. – Frank Carson
