I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. Its not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. Its the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is Delete. – Elayne Boosler
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didnt have that rule when Jesus was born. – Elayne Boosler
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. Theres nothing more satisfying. – Elayne Boosler
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. – Elayne Boosler
Since September 11, security has been increased everywhere, and we have new IDs to get on to the Fox lot. I drove to the security gate, but realized Id left my ID in my other car. I just broke into that voice – Hey, man, Im Bart Simpson. Who else sounds like this? The guard waved me through. – Nancy Cartwright