I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. Thats why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe theyre just as good and were just wasting time. You dont have to fry them again after all. – Mitch Hedberg
Im sick of following my dreams. Im just going to ask them where theyre goin, and hook up with them later. – Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when Im upside down. – Mitch Hedberg
If by chance I seated myself to write, she very slyly, very tenderly, seeking protection and caresses, would softly take her place on my knee and follow the comings and goings of my pen -sometimes effacing, with an unintentional stroke of her paw, lines of whose tenor she disapproved. – Pierre Loti