I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. Thats why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe theyre just as good and were just wasting time. You dont have to fry them again after all. – Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume theres someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg
My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I dont want to put myself in the position where Im in a monogamous relationship right now. Im not dating just one person. Sex and the City changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people. – Lindsay Lohan