If my kid couldnt draw Id make sure that my kitchen magnets didnt work. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi circle. – Mitch Hedberg
Im sick of following my dreams. Im just going to ask them where theyre goin, and hook up with them later. – Mitch Hedberg
For my own part, I would rather be in company with a dead man than with an absent one; for if the dead man gives me no pleasure, at least he shows me no contempt; whereas the absent one, silently indeed, but very plainly, tells me that he does not think me worth his attention. – Lord Chesterfield