What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? – Jack Handey
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. – Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. – Jack Handey
The whole Twitter phenomenon is really indicative of whats happening in this country. And I say this in condemnation of myself as much as anyone else – we are growing into a nation that has no time, desire or capacity for truth. All we can handle is 140 characters of knowledge. – Kurt Sutter