As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. – Jack Handey
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? – Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. – Jack Handey
My political science degree is always on the back-burner. I took my LSAT, so even if I want to take the LSAT again, I know what Im getting into. Ill keep it on the back-burner. Who knows, maybe with my popularity, I can have a career in politics with a law degree. I think itll work out either way. – Vinny Guadagnino