I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. – Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. – Dave Barry
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. – Dave Barry
The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. – Dave Barry