Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens. – Andy Rooney
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you cant eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as progress, doesnt spread. – Andy Rooney
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. – Andy Rooney
I dont think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldnt surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number? – Andy Rooney
One thing Ive been happy as peach pie about – because Im all about the children and the happiness of a woman because that makes the happiness of the home – is that nannies, day cares and babysitters are all collapsing, which is forcing moms and dads to raise their children at home. – Laura Schlessinger