So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it. – Tommy Cooper
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience! – Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine.” – Tommy Cooper
A woman tells her doctor, Ive got a bad back. The doctor says, Its old age. The woman says, I want a second opinion. The doctor says: Okay – youre ugly as well. – Tommy Cooper
So, I remember when I was a kid, I was waiting for my mom to come home when she was working late, and, you know, I was like, Oh my God, what happened to her? Is she OK? Did something happen to her getting in the car? I was a little kid. But those are actually early onsets of anxiety. – Vinny Guadagnino
Sometimes, comics will make the observation that its not jokes that are funny, its characters that are funny. And isnt that true! Thats why I always kill jokes. Im terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I cant get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon. – David Mitchell