Egotist. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. – Ambrose Bierce
An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. – Ambrose Bierce
Dog. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the worlds worship. – Ambrose Bierce
Deliberation. The act of examining ones bread to determine which side it is buttered on. – Ambrose Bierce
People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism. – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858